What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
16.06.2025 00:31
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why do old men think young women and girls would want them over guys their own age?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What does the Turkish word çıplak mean?
So whats the point in blame.
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
How does a 45-year-old man get a girlfriend?
Im still living with it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do many women in Turkey prefer to date blacks as a lover?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
What are some photos of female sexual organs?
She wouldn,t have been !
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
What do men find attractive in an older woman?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I will be 64.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I said to her
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I don,t even have a pension.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
This is soul school!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
But ive been too sick for many years..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I never cut or harmed myself..
He knew the spot.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
When she asked me how she looked .
She married twice! .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We all went to grammer schools
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
(And it was in our own minds.)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were not on the streets..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She loved him until the end.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I think the readers, may guess!
Who then, do I blame.?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I have no regrets .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Would this be the day?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was scared of men, in general
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was in good health!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It was going to be , some day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot live in the past .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was very sick at this time too.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was 9 years of age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
All the time i was locked up.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My family never makes their pension either.
Comes on , in middle age.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I waited trembling.